Quick answer
Caring for elderly parents usually starts with noticing small changes, then talking honestly, getting a clear picture of health, money and paperwork, and sharing the work among family. Look at the options early (more help at home, independent or assisted living) so you aren't choosing in a crisis. Take breaks and use local support. (800) 614-8388 if you'd like to talk it through with a person, free.
Notice what's changing
Visit at different times of day. Look at the fridge, the mail, the medications, the car, the stairs. Ask their doctor (with permission) what they're seeing. Write it down. Our checklist: when is it time for assisted living.
Start the conversation early
- Pick a calm moment, not a holiday dinner.
- Start with what you've noticed and how you feel, not a solution.
- Ask what they want. Most people want to stay near friends, church and doctors.
- Expect more than one conversation.
Get the paperwork in order
- Durable power of attorney for finances.
- Health care power of attorney and advance directive.
- A list of doctors, medications, insurance and accounts.
- Where the will, deed, titles and policies are.
- For veterans, the DD-214 discharge papers.
An elder law attorney can help with the legal documents.
Share the work
One sibling often ends up doing most of it. Divide jobs by strengths: one handles money, one handles appointments, one visits weekly, one researches options. Put it in writing and check in monthly. If you live far away, see long-distance caregiving.
Know the options
From more help at home to independent living, assisted living or memory care, each fits a different level of need. See senior living options and what it costs.
Take care of yourself
Caregiving is a marathon. Use respite care, adult day programs and support groups. Your Area Agency on Aging can connect you with local caregiver programs: call the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116.
Not sure where to start?
Tell us what's going on with your parent. We'll listen, explain the options near them, and help you plan the next step. Free.
Questions families ask
How do I know when my parent needs more help?
Changes in hygiene, eating, medications, driving, housekeeping and mood are common signs. A fall or hospital stay often brings it to a head.
What if my parent refuses help?
Go slowly, keep them in charge of decisions, and start small, like a few hours of help a week. See when a parent refuses help.
Can I get paid to care for my parent?
Sometimes, through Medicaid self-direction or VA caregiver programs. See paid family caregivers.
Where can I get local help?
Your Area Agency on Aging, through the Eldercare Locator at 1-800-677-1116, or call us.